“It’s a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.”
~Corky St. Clair, Waiting For Guffman
I have a love-hate relationship with Costco. I love the products and value, but dislike most everything else. Costco is a must for our family of six and today, I broke a new personal record, spending $640 on groceries and incidentals. I stared at the cash register, dumbfounded and cursed the man that thinks razor blade replacements should be $65.
Again, this was all stuff we actually needed. I’m not the kind of gal who comes home with frivolous things from Costco. You won’t find me shopping for Kirkland sweatpants in the center of the store or picking up some Paw Patrol toys. For me, Costco trips are strictly business.
In general, my stress levels immediately rise when I enter Costco as I prepare for the mayhem and idiocy that awaits me in the warehouse. I try to suppress my rage, which leads me to share my tried and true Costco rules.
1. Shop Alone
I get it. You have kids. Heck, I have four and probably 50% of the time one child is always with me, but I always give them the Costco talk before we enter the store.
“Stay next to the cart”
“Keep to the side”
“Let’s move fast and get outta here ASAP”
Wandering children will be run over and that goes for my kids. Get in the way and get taken out, that’s the game.
Also, when I say shop alone, I mean don’t bring your spouse, BFF or cousin. Today in particular, I saw a handful of confused men following behind their women and by following, I mean lagging behind, looking confused and clogging up the aisles. Honestly, unless you’re hauling home a television or swing set, you don’t need a shopping buddy.
2. Please Don’t Eat The Samples
I detest sample day. I realize it’s the day where many parents feed their children lunch or dinner, but it creates a bottleneck at the end of each aisle. There isn’t room to loiter and snack in Costco given the size of the massive shopping carts.
3. Stop Lingering
People tend to linger at Costco. I know the well priced beef tenderloin gets you all transfixed, but please keep moving. At a minimum, pull your cart to the side and make way for shopper traffic.
4. Stop Stressing Out Over The Check Out Line
We all know the Costco check out line is ridiculously long and confusing, but complaining about it the entire time you wait just makes it more miserable for everyone else. The line will move, you will get your stuff and please, if I can feel your breath on my neck, you’re too close.
That’s it. It’s quite simple, and I promise that if you follow these four rules, your Costco experience will be much more enjoyable for you and especially for those around you.
Incidentally, I understand this is a polarizing issue, especially for those that love sample day. If you feel offended, please don’t tell me, but if you must, perhaps we can hash this out over a slice of pizza in the Costco food court, but preferably before 11am and after 7pm when I know the crowd level will be minimal.